


The light behind his eyes.... (Frerard)

by Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Attempted Murder, Attempted Sexual Assault, Coma, Emotional Hurt, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Major Character Injury, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Possible Character Death, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 06:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8701423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire/pseuds/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire
Summary: Gerard always tells us to never let them take the light from behind our eyes, right?But we've never thought about how he might not be able to follow his own advice...





	1. The night it all started.

**Author's Note:**

> *trigger warning*  
> If you're triggered by self harm or suicide or anything like that, please dont read this.  
> Read the tags and if any of them bother you, don't read!
> 
> If you choose to continue, grab your tissues and good luck. xXx

**Franks POV**  
   
 Even though he was jumping around and putting all he had into his performance, I could tell something was wrong. I just silently watched from the side of the stage. For the past half hour we were all acting as ourselves; yelling to the crowd, playing our hearts out, sweating profusely, and Gerard and I were throwing ourselves about without caring about the safety of the people around us. I don't want to hurt anyone, don't get me wrong, but I feel like in the heat of that moment if I was to swing my guitar and knock Ray out, I wouldn't even flinch. I'd just keep going. But now, I could hear Gerards voice cracking every now and then, which people assume is because he screams so much that his voice is beginning to ache. But I know how strong his voice is, and that's not normal...

_Then I saw it._ As he flipped his long, shiny, bright red hair into his eyes, there were several obvious tears running down his cheeks. They were collecting eyeliner on their way down making dark gray steaks, in which he just wiped away with the back of his hand. Those weren't sweat marks, no, he was sobbing. He hid it well, way too well, like hes done it before.. All while not forming any type of worry or suspicion from our fellow band members or the frantically screaming crowd. But I noticed. I noticed... 

**Gerard's POV**

I don't think anyone caught me. I was able to flip my bangs into my eyes in time, then lean forward and scream into the mic as I let the tears fall freely. I quickly wiped the sweat and tears from my face and smiled at the beautiful audience. God, they're wonderful. The sound of them screaming for me, the sound of them desperate to get to the front and touch my hand. It numbed me. Made my heart sing.. To be wanted. That's not very easy for me to come by. I would hug and whisper inspiring words to each individual if I could.. But there were so many. Hundreds, if not thousands. At least I was able to at the meet and greet every time they asked for a hug, I told them to never tell anyone what I said or it'd lose its purpose. I've caused tears doing it. But not sad ones for the first time in my life, not disappointed or angry ones. Happy ones. I've been told before that what I have said to some people has literally saved them from themselves.. And that makes me feel like I have a purpose.

It was our last song of the night. For this whole tour I've been singing "The light behind your eyes" for our last song.

_"So long to all of my friends_

_Everyone of them met tragic ends_

_With every passing day_

_I'd be lying if I didn't say_

_That I miss them all tonight.."_

Since this song is extremely sincere, the crowd fell so quite... No jumping. No screaming. Just swaying and hand hearts. Gentle singing; coming from the broken hearts of everyone here that fades into gentle insignificant whispers before they are able to reach me. No, this isn't what I want- This isn't enough! This isn't loud enough to make my ears ring and blast through my brain completely blocking out my thoughts...

Just as I'm reaching the end of the song, my voice cracks. Not just a simple barely noticeable one- a huge crack that completely throws the crowd off and it earns me hundreds of worried looks. I panic. I chuckle lightly as if laughing at my simple mistake, which seems to help a lot. I hear a few laughs from the crowd as I finish the song, and the crowd erupts. This volume is perfect. I can barely hear myself shouting 'thank you's and 'goodnight's into the mic as everyone runs off stage. 

**Franks POV**  

_I heard that, Gerard. I know that it wasn't a simple accident, maybe an accident- but not a simple one. I saw you crying at the end of that song. Not a simple tear or two, but waterfalls. I wanted so badly to go to you and hug you so tight you couldn't breathe and tell you everything is ok.. But I know you'd push me away. I'm nothing more than a simple mistake to you. I know how you feel about me, I don't need you to show me. But that won't stop me from loving yo-_

"Yo, frank!" I was interrupted from my thoughts by Ray. 

"H-hey man! What's up?" I try to recover from the sad and worried look I know I was wearing.

"Hey man, you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, what did you need?"

"Well, since we're staying in only two hotel rooms tonight, me, Mikey and Bob don't want to be cramped up all night so we're going to a bar down the street until we go to bed so we're only there to sleep. You want to join us?"

"Em.. I don't think I will tonight. Sorry Ray, I'm just exhausted and in need of a long shower. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Sure man, that's fine. Are you sure you're ok?" He shot me a worried look.

"Yeah!" I smiled. "I'm just really tired and I got sweat I'm my eyes and it burns like fire. Anyway, you know where Gerard got off to?"

"Yeah, he's in your guys' hotel room."

"Okay thanks bro"

"No problem."


	2. "Because I'm in love with you, Gerard! That's why!"

**Franks POV**

I walked into our room. I didn't see him at first, but I heard something coming from the bathroom and smelled the faint scent of alcohol. 

"Gerard? Ba- uh buddy, you in here?"  
_Damn it I almost called him babe. Keep it together frank._

I heard a low gasp then the bathroom went quite.

"Gerard? Gerard are you in the bathroom?"

"Uh, y-yeah Frank it'll be a minute. I just took a sh-shower I'll be out soon."

I couldn't just go in, especially if he's nude. I'll just wait out here. But we really need to talk..

**Gerard's POV**  

The boys were going out tonight, I'll be alone. That's both a blessing and a curse. Yeah, I can drink and cry in the bathroom then shower like nothing happened, but at the same time I secretly want someone- I want Frank- to walk in on me. To see how much of a wreck I am so I don't have to hide it anymore. To hold me and tell me I'll be ok; like I do to our fans. How can I tell someone such beautiful truths and not be able to believe them myself?? I'll never understand..

"Gerard? Buddy, you in here?"

_Ohgodohgodohgod_  

An accidental gasp escaped me. 

"Gerard? Gerard are you in the bathroom?"

He sounds frantic. Does he know? Did he see? Did he hear?

"Uh, y-yeah Frank it'll be a minute. I just took a sh-shower I'll be out soon."

I haven't even showered yet. I smell like vodka and puke, he won't believe me. He didn't answer, so I assume he left with the boys. Maybe he just wanted to check up on me or ask if I wanted to join. That's why I lo- I mean um, that's why Frank's important to me, he's a great friend who cares about me most of the time. 

**Franks POV**  

I heard the shower turn on and shampoo bottles fall. Typical clumsy Gerard. 

After about fifteen minutes the door opened. His skin was so red and steaming, like  _literally_  fresh cooked meat. His eyes were swollen and red, he looked just as surprised to see me and I was to see him that way.

"Fr-Frank? I thought you went out with the boys.. Uh I'm sorry I'm not dressed I'll be ou-"  
He tried to turn back into the bathroom and hide. I lunged up and pushed the door back open before he could.

"Gerard? Why the hell are you so red? And your skin-" I flinched back at the heat that shot through my fingertips as they grazed his arm.

"Gerard why is your skin so damn  _hot_??" I tried not to sound too angry or frantic to scare him off. He smelled like vodka..

"I-I um I showered a-and the water was too hot at first and I couldn't get it to a good temperature so I dealt with it?" He answered with more of a question than a statement so I knew he was lying.

"Gerard, be honest. Why would you hurt yourself like that? You feel like you're two hundred degrees, come here" I brought him to the window and opened it so the cold air cooled him off a little bit.

"I-I" he couldn't even get out the sentence before he was sobbing on my shoulder. I looked past the fact that he was in only a towel and his skin was burning mine with every touch, and I hugged him.

"Hey, hey, Gerard are you okay? Hey man, its okay, what's wrong?" I rubbed his back and started to get even more worried than before. He couldn't form sentences so I just sat with him as he cried on my shoulder for about half an hour. I broke the silence with "you're starting to get too cold now, let's go get you some clothes"

He just nodded.

**Gerard's POV**  

I don't even know what set it off, or how, but I just cried and cried and couldn't stop. He comforted me and cooled me off, he seemed to actually care. 

That's a first. 

I couldn't get words out and my mind was foggy, maybe it was the alcohol, so he just helped me dress.

That was awkward. 

He didn't even mind, he just sat me on the edge of the bed as I kind of caved in from insecurity and wrapped my arms around my torso and crossed my legs. The towel wasn't covering enough. 

"You're shivering, do you want warmer clothes?"  
He said as he put away his basketball shorts and t shirt.

Was he going to let me dress in his stuff?

"Your stuff is still in the bus, so you can wear some of my things" he said softly as he set fuzzy pajama pants and a long sleeve over sized misfits shirt on the bed next to me. He motioned for me to stand.. Was he going to dress me himself?

"Oh come on, don't be shy" he smiled 

Shaking, I stood up. He picked up the pants and held them out.

"Step in" he said.   
I lifted my feet and got into them and accidentally dropped my towel.

"Shi- um sorry-"

"no Gerard its okay just-" 

As I tried to pick it back up I tripped over the pants and fell into him, knocking us both down in the process. 

"shi- i- frank" I said trying to scramble up my towel and cover myself. 

".....Gerard...." He said quietly. His eyes were glazed over and complete sorrow took his face over.

"I- uh I just frank" was all I could get out. I panicked and pulled the pants the rest of the way up before sprinting into the bathroom and locking the door behind me. Behind me I could hear "Gerard no wait!"

I paced in the bathroom and my mind was racing. _"Did he see?" "Of course he saw! You saw the look on his face!" "He's straight maybe he just didn't like seeing you naked" "no you idiot he saw! He's never going to love you if he knows you're a sick bastard who mutilates your body!" "But maybe he'll understa-" "understand? Like hell he will! You're in this alone! He'll never want to talk to you again! He's gonna tell your band mates and it'll be your fault when they leave you!!"_

"shut up shuT UP SHUT UP!" Is all I could say when the argument screamed in my head. I kept smacking myself in the forehead with my palms trying to get them to shut up.

**Franks POV**  

"I KNOW! YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL ME! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Is all I could hear over myself pounding on the door and yelling for him to let me in. I heard a shatter and a bang.

"WHO GERARD? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? LET ME IN!" I yelled as the weak hotel door gave in to me and swung open. I glanced around for a second- seeing a broken mirror, blood and an empty vodka bottle- before I laid eyes on a shaking figure in between the toilet and shower with the curtain ripped off of its hooks draped over him. 

"Gerard? Gerard are you okay?" I ran over to him to see his knuckles were bleeding everywhere from when they came in contact with the mirror above the sink.

"Go away." He said in a dead, hesitant voice.  
"Gerard.. I-"

"Go away!" He shouted more desperately than angrily. 

"No. I'm not going anywhere." I said gently as I sat on the toilet and stroked his hair. He flinched on contact.

"Then I will." He said as he pushed my hand away and stood up to leave.

"Where are you going? Let me see your hand.. Have you been drinkin-"

"My hand, is fine." He said. "I'm twenty five I can drink if I want to."

"But vodka? I thought you were sobe-"

"I never was, Frank!" He shouted. "Now get out!!"

"But Gee i-"

"Why do you even care anyway??"

"Because i-!" I started to shout too, mostly because I was frustrated with the fact that he kept interrupting me. We just kept getting louder.

"WHY FRANK? WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?? WHY DO YOU CARE???!!"

"BECAUSE IM IN LOVE WITH YOU, GERARD!! THAT'S WHY!!!!"

He froze. I froze.

He stared at me with beautiful, wide eyes.

I couldn't help but stare back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man.


	3. "Frankie! Please, stay with me!"

Franks POV 

As we stared in silence, my breath hitched in my throat. I couldn't breathe.

Did I really just say that?

I meant it with every piece of me, but I didn't mean to say it.. It just sort of happened.

As he gazed into my eyes, I gazed directly back into his. 

But something was off... _They were different._

They weren't the same as when the band first started. They weren't glowing like they used to, they weren't reflecting the dim lights in the room and making them 100,000x brighter and warmer like they used to.

No.

They were dark. They were like midnight during winter in the middle of nowhere, black and scared, no street lights around it to somehow attempt to make it any brighter. They were cold. Lifeless. Full of long kept, unhealthy secrets, full of sorrow and dispair, wanting to cease to exist. Dark thoughts and anger where jokes and liveliness used to be. But, much like the night, _they were still beautiful_. No matter how dark and angry they looked, they still had their touch of color and hope. _Beautifully mysterious._

**Gerards POV**  

_Wh.... What did he just say?_

That moment echoed in my head over and over... 

Did he..? Does he really...?

He didn't say another word. He just stared. He stared wide eyed into my eyes. My soul. Like he was trying to read my mind...

"Fr-frank? What?" I was so confused..

"I- Gee" he said, as if he was apologetic. His face flushed pale ghost-white.

He turned and ran out of the bathroom. I couldnt move. I felt my cheeks burn red.

"frank.... I'm in love with you, too" Is all I could say when I heard the front door quickly open and close.

******

**Franks POV**  

What did I just do.

I have to find a place to hide.  _Forever_. Some place between the bathroom and the elevator I had started crying. Why am I crying. I never cry. I hit myself in the face over and over trying to stop the tears. 

_Stop crying._

_Stop crying._

_STOP CRYING._

I groaned aloud trying to cover the whimpers and low sobs that left me. 

I started to feel a bad feeling in my gut. _Anxious_. I've never been in this city before, I don't even remember what this city was called. Its almost midnight and I've wandered into a really sketchy allyway type of place. 

I started to hear footsteps..

I walked faster and faster and turned a corner to find myself face to face- or rather face to chest- with a dude in a hoodie. There was another man behind him, about the same height. 

I turned to run the other way but there were three more tall men in hoodies behind me, too. 

"Well, well. What do we have here?" Said one of the men in question.

"Little _pretty boy,_ with that many tattoos and such nice jeans, you must have some cash, huh?" Said the man behind him.

"No, no. The jeans aren't what's nice, its his ass." One of them said and they slapped my rear. I knew exactly what they wanted from me.

"N-no, they were a gift from my boy- I mean girlfriend.. And the tattoos-"

"Oh, boyfriend? Is our pretty boy a homo?" Chuckled one of the men behind me.

"No, I didn't mean-"

"Well, we're all boys, huh? Am I pretty to you?" Said the man I had walked into as he took a step forward, obviously the leader.

"I-Im not gay"

"Your stutter says otherwise" he said as he lunged towards me. He tore my hair back and kissed me roughly, splitting my lip in the process.

He smelled of alcohol and body odor. 

He chuckled when he pulled away.

"What a pretty little one. You taste of cheery ChapStick, there's no way you're straight."

I tasted blood. 

He came in for another kiss and I instinctively swung my fist right into his jaw. He looked at me with fire in his eyes.

"Oh, little pretty boy has balls, aye?"

"Stop calling me that."

"Well, being about 5'6 and pretty doesn't get you much street credit, now does it?  _Pretty boy?_ "

I swung again, this time to have my arm caught by a man behind me. He held my arms back as the leader punched me repeatedly in the gut, breathing steadily every time to be able to get more power into it.

The guy dropped me to the ground and they all started kicking and punching me, and I just protected my face and back of my head as best as I could. When they finished, they took the money from my wallet (which was only about 50$ but I needed that for food and cigarettes) and spat on me.

_Then, I felt it._

A sudden sharp, burning pain devoured my insides as one of the men shoved a pocket knife into my stomach.

I coughed up blood and groaned loudly in agony, holding my wound trying to stop the bleeding. The leader then grabbed my hair and pulled my head up to make eye contact with him, which I could only do with the eye that wasn't swollen 100% shut by now. 

"That, pretty boy, was a huge mistake. Hold him down."

They all gathered and held me on my stomach by all of my limbs. As they were trying to take advantage of my bruised and weak body, I heard shouting.

"GET OFF OF HIM!" 

"Or what?" 

Then I heard shuffling, grunting, and profanity echoing in the distance. Then I felt someome turn me over, and I tried to push them away and yell at them not to touch me.

_"frankie calm down, hey, its me its Gerard_ "

"Gee?" was all I was able to get out 

_"Yes, yes baby its me. The ambulance will be here soon just stay awake. Frankie, please stay with me! You'll be okay.. You'll be.."_

Then, silence.

 

 


	4. Don't be afraid to let go.

**Gerards POV**  

_Oh my god_

"GET OFF OF HIM!" I screamed as we ran down the ally. 

"Or what!"

Bob, Mickey and Ray ran over and angrily took out the leader and his side kick, the last three not even thinking this is worth the fight and running the other way.

I could hear Ray on the phone.  
"..Yes! Yes he's bleeding, he's bleeding a lot!! I don't know, somewhere on his abdomen?? Just send an ambulance, damn it!!"

_I saw blood. Lots of blood.._

I panicked and knelt down to Frank to try to turn him over, but he attempted to fight me off.

"frankie calm down, hey, its me its Gerard!"

"Gee?" He whispered quietly, unable to look me in the eyes.

He was drifting out of consciousness.

"Yes, yes baby its me. The ambulance will be here soon just stay awake! Frankie please stay with me! You'll be okay.. You'll be okay! Frankie?! Frankie!!! Frankie wake up!!!"

I sobbed harder than I've ever sobbed before and shook Franks shoulders as I heard sirens in the distance.

*******

"Do you want some coffee?" Ray asked me, half asleep.

"Yes, yes thank you."

"I'd honestly rather you slept a little.. Your eyes are bloodshot and you have major dark circles. Are you sure you don't want to go home and rest or shower? You haven't slept in four days-"

"No. No, Ray really I'm fine." I said as I kept my eyes on Frankie.

"Okay. I'll be back in a minute."  
I didn't reply. 

"Frankie..." I said quietly as I sat forward in my chair and slipped my hand in his. 

"Please come back.. Please wake up. Don't die. Don't die...." I started sobbing again. I haven't gone a day without it yet. The doctor said he could wake up any second, or not wake up at all. The blood loss was so severe that his organs began to shut down on the way to the ER, and his brain slipped into a coma. I could lose him any second...

"Frankie, I'm so sorry I didn't say anything back. I was just star struck. I was terrified and happy all at once. Because I love you, too. Not like i did yesterday... But so much more. More and more every second. I always have. I shouldn't have let you leave... This is all my fault. My body just wouldn't budge, my mind was racing with a million thoughts trying to piece together a sentence as amazing as yours to make you feel the way you made me feel, but I couldn't find anything anywhere near as amazing as what you said. By then, you had left. I did say it... It was just too late. Please don't leave me Frankie... The only hope for me is you. I can't live without you. If your body is too weak and you're in too much pain... Dont be afraid to let go. I don't want you to suffer for my own satisfaction.. Please don't take it that way. And in the end, at the end of the world, you're the last thing I see. Even if you never come home, your memory will carry on. But if you can help it, please don't meet your tragic end... Because then with every passing day I'd be lying if I didn't say I miss you. If you do meet your end, I must, too. I don't know when, but my spirit will find yours, and I will forever be hand in hand with the ghost of you." 

At this point my voice was cracking and tears were pouring down my thinning cheeks. I haven't eaten in days. I squeeze his cold hand once more and stand up.

"Frankie, never be afraid to take the route that will be the best for you.. And I think the right one today is to let go. I know you're in pain, and you don't deserve to be. Please just do what's best for you... I love you. So long and goodnight."  
I kissed the top of his head and let his hand go.   
I turned around and reached for the door handle..

"Gee?" 

I turned to see a pair of beautiful bloodshot hazel eyes staring back at me. Tears pooring out of them.

" Frankie!" I ran over to him and wrapped my arms tightly around him. He winced in pain.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot" I jumped back.

"Its oka-" his sentence was cut of with a nasty cough.

"Wa-water" he was able to say between coughs.

"of course, here" I grabbed the remainder of the water I had sat on his bed side table a couple hours before and held it to his lips while he slowly sipped it. 

"Thank you gee" he said hoarsely when he finished it off.

"You're welcome, Frankie" I smiled and took his hand.

"So... What you said earlier"

"Oh... You heard all of that?" I said embarrassingly.

"I did. That was beautiful.. I'll be honest with you. I was going to let go. I hurt so much.. I've never been in so much pain. They broke my wrist, gee.. _What if I'm never able to play again??"_ He said frantically. "Then you said exactly what I needed to hear; that you love me back. Hearing just that alone would have made me the happiest person to walk this planet. Then everything else... You care so much. I never knew you cared so much.. The way you worded what you said.. No wonder you're a god damn song writer. I probably would have died without a choice in the matter if you weren't in this room. Everything was getting foggy and distant; then you started talking to me. I used all of my strength to follow your voice. Then what you were using that voice to say gave me the power to pull through and open my eyes.   
You saved me today, Gerard.

And you won't have to worry about lying to anyone about missing me, because I'm here now for you to be honest with."

That last part got me.

_'Honest.'_

Frankie.. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about all the song references hahahaha


	5. I just wish you'd let me in.

**Franks POV**  

We were just about to leave the hospital. It was just a few days after I woke up. The room smelled like sweat, blood, and the coffee that Ray had brought Gerard that day that he never finished. I still don't know what we are.. Dating? Still friends? Who knows. All I know is he loves me and that's good enough for me.

"How'd you find me anyway?" I tiredly asked Gerard.

Bob answered for him.  
"We came back to bring you guys a few beers and a movie to find Gerard sobbing on the bathroom floor. He smelled of vodka, his knuckles were bleeding and you were no where to be seen so we knew something was up."

"Yeah, we finally got it out of him what went down and how you had left. So we went looking for you" Said Ray.

"We went around the streets calling for you, then we ran into a couple sitting outside of a café. We asked them if they had seen you and showed them a picture and they luckily had, they said you were in obvious distress and you turned into an alley. A few men followed you in there. We sprinted and turned several corners in there and followed the sound of groaning." Mikey said.

"That's when we found you." Gerard said, emotionless and not breaking eye contact with the empty hospital bed in front of him. "The boys fought those disgusting men off, and I saw you. I ran to you and tried to stop the bleeding.... T-there was nothing I could do. You were dying in my arms.. I tried so hard to keep you with me but you stopped moving. Your eyes glazed over.... _I thought you were d-dead_ "

Gerard said with tears in his eyes. Ray went to him and patted his shoulder comfortingly.

_"You're the reason he isn't."_

*******

I had all of my stuff gathered and we signed out, then got in the car. Bob driving, Ray in the passenger seat, Gerard in the middle in the back with Mikey and I on either side of him. Soft music was playing. I fell asleep on Gerard's shoulder, our fingers intertwined.

*******

I woke up alone in my bed. It was-  
Wait.. _My bed?_ I'm home?? A huge wave of relief came over me. I'm no longer anywhere near those sick bastards who tried to kill me a few weeks ago.

But wheres Gerard?

Just as I began to panic, he walked into my room with a plate of food and coffee. 

"Hey beautiful, here's some breakfast." He said with a sweet smile. 

I felt myself blush. "Thank you, darling."

He helped me eat, because my dominant wrist was snapped in two. Four fingers are broken on my other hand, my left leg is fractured, my right ankle is broken, two ribs are cracked, I had a concussion, and my tailbone is bruised. Then there's the hole in my abdomen. It luckily didn't hit any vital organs as I thought, I was coughing up blood for a completely unrelated reason, so It was going to heal with no long term affects. Thinking about it now, I'm definitely not surprised they didn't want me finishing the tour.

**Gerards POV**

We tweeted our fans the terrible news and told them we could not finish the tour. We offered refunds, but a lot of people felt so awful for Frank that they started this donation where their ticket money went to his medical bills instead. They understand that even though we're well known, we aren't made of money. And that's why it's a known fact that our fan base is and always will be the best one out there. 

*******

It's been a couple days since we've been home. We haven't talked much. That's on my part... Frank can't come out of his room without help and I've only helped him out to go to the bathroom, get food, get fresh air on the porch, etc. But never so we could talk. 

Because this is all my fault.

I've had about two hours of sleep since that night. And that was seven days ago. I'm starting to hallucinate..

I'm seeing the blood in front of me now. A repeat of that night every time I walk into a room.. It hits me unexpectedly. I'll come through to find myself sobbing, screaming Frankie's name while on the floor in a dark room holding nothing.  
I think I need help.

*******

**Franks POV**

Gerard won't talk to me. He'll help me out of the room when I need it, he'll bring food and water, he'll make my bed, open the window, check on me while he thinks I'm sleeping, but has barely said a word since the first morning we've been here. There's not much to do but sleep. I keep waking up to Gerard screaming my name across the house, but I think my mind keeps replaying that night. I can't tell If its real or not.

*******

The boys want to come see me today. I'm super excited, it will be my first human interaction in the past seven days.

*******

They all end up staying the night. We fall asleep cramped on my bed surrounded in wrappers and crumbs giggling like little school girls.  
It was an awesome night, until three in the morning when we all, not just me, but we all wake up to Gerard screaming for me. We're shocked at first, then Mikey sprints for his brother. He comes back about thirty seconds later.

"Guys, Come quick"

 _My blood ran cold._  

What's wrong with Gerard? Is he okay? Is he hurt? I can't go see for myself and they all leave me there...

Ray comes back and says "T-they're gonna be home soon. Want to watch another movie?" 

I completely ignore his request.

"What happened???"

"Well, Mikey found Gerard sobbing on the floor holding nothing in his arms, but screaming your name. He... He was in the same exact position as... That night. He was rocking back and forth. When Mikey got to him, he clawed at his face repeating that it was 'all his fault, all his fault' and clung to Mikey in the car like a magnet, staring at the seat I'm front of him not blinking once. So Bob is driving them that way to the hospital."

I froze.

"Is this the first time, frank?" He asked worrily. 

"I-I don't know. I've heard that every couple of hours every day.. But I thought I was just hearing things. He hasn't talked to me in seven days."

"oh." 

We say in silence until Bob and Ray returned.

********

After his evaluation, he was considered a potential danger to himself, so they want to keep him for a week to see how it goes. If it goes well, then tharapy is all he needs until he's better. If it goes bad, he'll be in there for a while.  
Might as well stab me again. But this time, in the heart.

******

About a week later, Ray called me. 

"Hey man, I'm on my way to the hospital to get Gerard. They said he seems to be doing a lot better this week."

"Awesome. Are you gonna drop him off here?"

"Of course. They want him in therapy every Tuesday until he's emotionally stable again."

"Ok. I've been going to therapy every Thursday because the doctor persuaded me to."

"How are you getting there?"

"The bus. Its nice being around someone who wants to talk to you, even if they bring up memories I don't want them to bring up."

"Wait, the bus? How are you getting to the stop? I thought your parents were staying there" he said sadly, as if he felt sorry.

"It hasn't been easy, but I manage to wheel myself there. My parents never showed. They said they couldn't come. How've you been?"

"This isn't about me, Frank. Its about you and the love of your life trying to recover from a traumatic experience."

There were a few a few moments of silence.

"I-I have to go. I'll talk to you later" I heard my voice crack.

"No, Frank wait I-"

"Bye" and I hung up. Was this really my fault? Had I not wandered so far, I wouldn't have gotten myself in that situation. I wouldn't have hurt Gerard, and he would be here with me now. He wouldn't be in the hospital.

 **Gerards POV**  

Today's the day I can get out of this disaster of a hospital. I've watched two people die and another person rip their hair out and chant in a foreign language. 

I'm not better. I know I'm not. But I'm one of those people who isnt completely crazy and I can act normal if I want. I was able to keep my episodes in the bathroom so the doctors haven't seen anything suspicious since the night I was brought here. They sedated me. I fucking HATE needles, and that's the first thing they do when I get here? Would they really expect me to want to stay and let them do that again? Hell no, that makes me want to leave as soon as possible, even if that means I won't be better. 

So Ray came and picked me up, then dropped me off at Frankies. Once I walked in, I was pounced on by a man in two leg casts so I had to let it happen. We collapsed to the ground.

"Gerard! I missed you so much!" He seemed extremely happy to see me.

"I missed you too, darling" I said as I gladly hugged him back.

"Are you ok?" He asked. I think he can see past my mask and look at the demons that still lurk behind my eyes.

"Of course!" I smiled. "I've never been better! I'm so happy to see you!" I gave him another hug and we just sat there for hours in front of the door holding each other.

*******

It was a few weeks later. 

The last three weeks have been just like that day, hugs in the morning, movies at night.  
But, then there's the two weeks after that.  
I haven't been able to hide my episodes as well as before, and Frankie seems worried. I don't want to do that to him, so I just stopped talking to him again.

Its the only way he'll never find out.

*****

He got his casts off today. Bob drove him, and he came home with a few bruises, braces, and patches, walking.

"you're walking again?" I gasped sarcastically, then couldn't help but smile.

"Shut up" he nudged me playfully.

"How's therapy?" I asked. 

"Swell. Next week is my last week and they think I can heal at home after that." He said happily.

"What about you?"

"Well. Its been ok, they're still considering putting me back in the hospital, but they don't have a legit reason to."

"That's good. I don't want you to leave again unless its necessary" he hugged me.

"and I don't want to leave you."

*******

**Franks POV**

Everything was great, until we got the call. 

Mikey was in an accident.

He was walking across a sidewalk when a car just didn't stop. They were thought to be texting and driving, and didn't see him....

Gerard went nuts.

His episodes were a regular thing now, and he broke every phone in the house but my personal one that he forgot about. He didn't want me to call the hospital. He wanted Mikey.  
We were told that he slipped into a coma, much more severe than mine. He only had a 20% chance of survival....

*******

"Mikey! Mikey no!" I woke up to him frantically screaming in the other room. I ran to him.

"Gerard.. Gerard! Gerard wake up! Gee!" I tried to shake him awake.

_Then he hit me._

He woke up immediately after, and saw me holding my eye. He knew what he did.

"Frankie.. Frankie oh my god I'm so sorry" he jumped up with wide eyes and gently touched my cheek.

"Its ok, I know it was an accident you were having  
a nightmare. Its oka-"

"I hit you Frankie! That's not ok!" He imploded on himself and shrank back in the corner. I tried to tell him it was okay and he got up and ran out the door. I tried to chase him but I wasn't wearing the brace on my ankle and it hurt like hell.... I collapsed in front of our open door and yelled for him as I saw him run down the street.

"Bob! Bob I need you here please come to my house as soon as you can!" I said sobbing into the phone.

"What's wrong? What happened?!"

"Just.. Please... Come.." I said between each sob before I saw black.

******

I woke up to Bob and Ray sitting on either side of the bed.

"Hey man, how you feelin?" Ray asked.

"Where's gee?" I sat up too fast and I got dizzy.

"Hey hey, take it easy. He's in the living room asleep on the couch. On Rays way over here he found him by a dumpster whispering Mikeys name."

"Is he ok?" 

"He's fine. Just get some rest."

*****

 **Gerard's POV**  

Its getting worse. I can't go a second without thinking about that night... Or Mikey. Its been almost three weeks since the accident. Twenty one days. They said that if he's not awake by ninety days, they will take away his life support and let his heart stop. They're going to let my baby brother die. _"THE BABY BROTHER IS NEVER SUPPOSED TO DIE FIRST!"_ I screamed as I threw the empty vodka bottle at the wall and it shattered. 

I'm locked in the bathroom drunk and sweaty again.  _Bleeding_.

I stared at my legs.. In the same way Frankie did. Wide eyed in disbelief. _In disgust._

How had it gone this far? How had it come to this point? 

I just turned away.. I couldn't look at it any longer.  
I stood in front of the mirror and scanned over myself. I'm wasting away. My hair is so greasy, too greasy even for me, my eyes are sunken and purple, I'm losing weight. I screamed as loud as I could and pounded my fists on the sink. _"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!"_  
And I sunk to the floor. I sobbed into my knees..

Wondering where I went so wrong.

 **Franks POV**  

_How the hell am I going to tell him??_

Theres no way this is going to go down smooth. I've been sobbing for the past few hours since i got the call outside our front door. I could hear glass shatter and banging. I could hear him scream " _WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??"_

 _"nothing... You're perfect in every way gee. You're the reason I'm here today. I just wish you'd talk to me."_ I whispered as I stood up. I walked inside to the bathroom and put my hand on the door. And quietly said _"I just wish you'd let me in."_

*******


	6. I'll see you soon, Mikey.

**Gerards POV**

"Gerard? Gee? Can i talk to you for a second?"

"O-of course dear, I'll be out in a second."

_He sounds worried... Sad. I hope everything is ok._

I got dressed and went out to find him on the couch, his eyes were puffy and wet like he's been crying for a while.

"what's wrong, baby? Is everything ok?"

"I'm going to be honest, gee. No. Everything is not okay... Not at all" he said as he tried not to cry. 

"What happened??" I was starting to get worried.

He hesitated.

"Gee... Mikey passed away this morning."

_My entire world imploded._

"W-what???" I couldnt hold the tears back. I was complete sobbing mess.

"I-" he sobbed more and then took a deep breath.

"I got a c-call at work today and they t-told me a blood clot on his leg made its way to his heart. His body was too w-weak to fight it. His heartbeat just slowed more and more a-and-" he just sobbed into his hands. Harder than I've ever seen before. He couldn't breathe.

I just stood up and walked out the door.

**Franks POV**

I opened my eyes to see Gerard was no longer there. How had I not heard him go?

"G-gee?" 

I called Bob and Ray. They didn't know. They came immediately and I had to tell them what happened that morning and I was a complete disaster.

Bob held his tears back and nodded. He excused himself and I could hear desperate cries coming from the bathroom.

I turned to Ray.

His eyes were wide and tears were pouring out several at a time.

_He didn't blink._

"Ray? Ray are you-"

"we were together, frank." He said in a low voice.  
_my heart dropped._

"We have been together for three years. We kept it from everyone and never touched in public.  _He gave me his virginity, frank!_ " And that's what got to him. He exploded and couldn't hold back, he just collapsed on the floor and let everything go. 

_They... They were together??_

*****

**Gerards POV**

I got so many worried and disgusted looks as I walked down the street. I've had just about enough by the twentieth person.

"MY BROTHER JUST FUCKING DIED BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO GET OFF OF HIS PHONE WHILE DRIVING!!! HAVE A LITTLE GOD DAMN RESPECT!!!"

They looked at me with wide, apologetic eyes. I didn't get a single look after that.  
When I got home, the house was empty. 

_Perfect._

I saw a note on the table. I picked it up and read I  
loud:

"Gerard if you come home please call we went out to look for you. We're worried sick its been hours please stay here and don't do anything stupid. We're going as far as the mall and then we're calling the police. I love you, Gee. I know you can get through this. ~frank"

I smiled at it weakly... I had already made my decision. Then I said "I love you too, Frankie but I'm sorry to break it to you. I can't" and I set the note down. 

I grabbed a paper and pen, and I wrote Frankie a note.

I smiled and said "I'll be happy now."

I walked to the bathroom and I went through my medicine cabinet. 

_Perfect._

I grabbed about five bottles of anything deadly- gabapentin, my antidepressants, anything at all. I poured half of each bottle into my palm and stared at them.

_"I'm so sorry, Frank. I love you._

_I'll see you soon Mikey."_

And poured them all into my mouth. I hate pills- but I don't hate this. I swallowed another handful- and another- until everything was gone. I got the sudden earge to vomit- but I know I couldn't. I wanted this. _I wanted this so badly._

**Franks POV**  

The boys dropped me off at home to see if he came back. A second piece of paper on the table caught my eye. I sprinted to it and read it through thouroughly. My heart stopped.


	7. I'll fail and lose this fight.

Hey guys. Im so sorry but i cant do this anymore. I love you all so much but i cant do this without Mikey. Don't forget me..

Frankie, 

I love you more than words can describe. I'm so sorry it has to be this way. You've made every day better just by being there. Smiling. Your presence has made every day seem brighter. And just know that as we fade in the dark you will always burn as bright. Your eyes pierce through mine every time you look into them and it makes me feel warm inside. Frankie.. There's so much i haven't told you.. My childhood abuse. My fathers anger issues.. My moms drug addiction. Its stuck to me every day. If my own parents didn't want me.. Who would?? No one. You deserve better than me, Frankie. I'm just a burden on you. You've made me hate life a little less every day. I love you so much. But I knew one day I'd fail and lose this fight. 

Today is that day. 

I have to go. Please never forget me

So long, Frankie. Goodnight.

                            ~Gee


	8. "Sing to me, Frankie..."

I sprinted to the bathroom, shaking and wide eyed. 

_Don't do this Gee don't fucking do this_

I started by pounding on the door.

No answer.

"Gerard! Gerard open the door! Please.." It started out serious and angry but ended with my voice cracking.

_Please don't do this_  

I heard a groan.

"F...rankie?" I heard. He sounded so weak... So small and vulnerable.

"I'm coming Gee! Stay back!" And I knocked the door down in one swift kick. He was lying by several empty bottles.

"Gee? _Gee oh my god.._ " I knelt down and took him in my arms. He was so pale..

"Frankie?" 

"Yes baby? Oh my god let me go call the police.." I tried to stand but he grabbed my shirt and pulled me back down.

"I'm sorry Frank.. It's too late." I couldn't help but let my tears flow freely.

"Please don't leave me.. Please don't die"  
I was sobbing at this point.

"Frankie?"

"Yes dear?" I gently brushed his hair out of his eyes.  _His dark, weak, dying eyes._

"Sing to me?"

"W-what?"

"Please... It hurts so much. Sing to me, Frankie.."

"Okay baby.. Okay."

I hesitated. I took a deep breath.

_"Be strong... and hold my hand"_  I started.

_"Time becomes for us, you'll understand_

_We'll say goodbye today..._

_And we're s-sorry how it ends this way"_

My voice was shaking and I held him closer.

_"If you promise not to cry_

_Then I'll tell you j-just what I would say"_

He weakly smiled. "That's so beautiful"

_"If I could be with you tonight.._

_I would sing you to sleep"_

I desperately held him close, hoping maybe he could survive this. I cupped his face gently and wiped a tear falling from his eye. 

But then, he let go. His grip on my shirt loosened.

His eyes glazed over.. But he was still smiling.

I kissed his warm, soft lips gently for the first time... I've wanted to do that for years now.

Another tear fell from my eye.

_"Never let them take the light behind your eyes."_

**Author's Note:**

> Im so sorry.
> 
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> 
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> 
> If you have any suggestions for future fics, feel free to tell me!


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